Mood: Crappy.
Listening to: I’ll Be – Edwin McCain. Don’t worry, I’m not
here to be weepy.
So I never understood when people said that their
significant other holds them down. Please folks, no 50 Shades of Grey
references, I’m sick of em.
I’m half way through the latest stint of Daddy G flying off
to the US to be around everything I miss and some specific people I miss too. I
guess that sounds a little bitter – which is not what I was going for. Today
has been a crappy day in that I’ve talked to my mom, Daddy G, some beloved
cousins, and a friend and I feel like shit anyway. I’m lonely as hell. Talking
to people you miss just doesn’t always help. Sometimes it makes the ache worse.
Thanks to some issues I can’t seem to leave at the baggage
carousel at the airport, I tend to mentally freak out when Daddy G and I aren’t
around each other for long periods of time. I’m not talking a weekend, I’m
talking weeks at a time. I end up in
some very dark, bad mental spaces that aren’t healthy or productive for me to
visit. I lasted 2 days this time before I gave in and started letting my mind
wander. And just like that, I get it. If it’s just me, I tend to feel
unanchored and destructive. Eating seems less important, spending time doing
constructively just doesn’t seem to matter, I just float. It makes it hard for
me to be a good mom to my kids. So I shove it down in a little mental
compartment until they go to bed, and then it runs wild.
I get it now when people say that have someone that holds
them down. That is what Daddy G is for me. He’s been an amazing influence in my
life and almost always has my back. Even when we’re busy, or have nothing to say,
or even are fighting, he’s there for me and keeps me centered as to what’s good
for our family. He’s there to pull me out of my mental funk or call me on not doing
what needs to be done.
The times when he’s not here, it terrifies me what I would
be like if the good universe forbid we get divorced or he dies before we’re
old. The man holds me down and I love him for it.
Becky
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